Tub nuggets, CHEERS!

Lagunatic had a fine morning.

I got the kids up, threw us all in the shower, washed assorted hair, bodies, and faces, and then kicked Julian out so he could get dressed while I washed myself and let Zandi play in the water.

As I was washing my face – cosmetic commercial style with my face tilted up to the stream cradled by my youthful hands and a serene-yet-blissful look on my face – I felt a small set of arms wrap themselves around my leg. This was odd – not something that normally happens in our daily cleansing ritual – but I dismissed it as nothing more than an extra affectionate daughter and went about my internal discussion of the appropriateness of breaking out in an Herbal Essences-esque ululation. Turns out I did have a reason to ululate, but it wasn’t due to the morning joy of hot water on my face….oh no….’twas nothing of the sort.

When I rinsed the last of the suds from my face I opened my eyes, cast them down……..and screamed.

Zandi had shit in the tub.

On my foot.

Both of them.

Big chunks.

Ew.

So, I did what any loving parent would do – I called the local homeless shelter and asked if they did curbside pick-ups.

No I didn’t…I cleaned it up, cleaned her up, and re-cleaned myself up. Then, I exited the shower and left her there to play while I got dressed.

It was at about the point of me hooking my bra when it (I wrote “tit” – heehee) hit me – the Steven King like foul fog of feces that infiltrated my olfactory. She’d done it again. And, this time, she was in it to win it. I didn’t know a two year old could hold that much, um, density. Wow.

Yeah, so, I re-re-cleaned her, re-re-cleaned the tub, and re-re-re-cleaned myself.

And now, for the rest of her life, I’m only ever going to feed her liquids.

Because, I don’t like history repeating itself.

And, because knowing is half the battle.

The other half is figuring out how to make Jimmy do the bathing from here on in.

Oh, and somehow working this into a speech at her wedding.

Who delt it?

Lagunatic was preparing dinner – and by “preparing” I mean slicing up the rotisserie chicken I just bought at the supermarket  – when I looked over at Julian who was wearing his napkin as a beret:

“Mommy! Look, I have a hat on my head, and it DOESN’T make a tooting noise!!”

Note to self;

Stop wearing Whoopie cusion on head – you’re confusing the children.

Rub a dub dub, Sue’s in the tub – let’s drown her.

Lagunatic thinks maybe it’s time someone took this blog away from me.

Clearly, I have no idea what I’m doing and am patently unable to understand the most basic of things relating to blogs.

For example:

I just got this message from WordPress – the genius people who host me for free – and I gotta admit I’m lost.

I mean, part of it could pass for one of my incomprehensible drunken/hangover poems, but the rest is just plain balderdash dub rub.

Huh?

Usually when they send me these things I’m all like,  “Hey, WordPress, you the HOST, dude! Rock on!! I be DOWN with yo mad skillz, bro!” But for this I’m just crossed eyed. All I know is that if I click “Add New Post” I’m able to write some asinine crap that two of you politely read and then lie to me by commenting on my off the charts funnyometer – I see you scurrying off to confession after you hit “submit”.  You’re all like, “Father, forgive me, for I have sinned….again. I told Lagunatic I thought she was clever and that she makes me laugh……Father? FATHER? Um, Padre? Do you need some water or something? Are you choking in there??”

*sigh*

You wanna know what I think SEO stands for?

Well, lemme tell ya.

S.E.O

Sue Eats Oysters.

Because I do.

Live ones even……..with a squirt of lemon…..and maybe some horseradish…..with ketchup in it.

Rub some dub on that.

He wants to live in A-mer-RI-ca.

Lagunatic and family were watching West Side Story tonight – it was on Turner Classic Movies….Jimmy picked it.

The “I want to live in America” dance sequence came on, you know the one, where all the girls are dancing around singing “I want to live in America”….which is why I called it a “dance sequence”.

Anyway, Julian was watching – totally riveted – when he asked Jimmy:

“What’s ‘America’?”

“This is America”

“This is America?

“Yes.”

“Oh, I want to live here.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s where all those GIRLS live!”

I think right about now would be a good time to lock up all your daughters.

I’m not good at this – I think this is not my life.

Lagunatic is not enjoying today very much. It’s cold, and snowy, and as much as I brag about being a hardy and tough Canadian chick all I really want to do is tiptoe through the tulips in a tank top…..and alliterate a lot.

Anyway, the kids were running around doing their “free-range” thing (which, supposedly, is better for them than a whole bunch of structure and rules *shrug*) when Julian came over to me to see what I was up to.

I was online. I know – it’s shocking. I’m surprised myself.

So, he was taking in all the Facebook status updates when he noticed all the pretty colours and cool graphics under some people’s names. He started BEGGING me to click links to all the Farmtown games and such.

I flatly refused.

He responded:

“But I LOVE to play those games!”

To which I replied:

“I don’t play those games.”

So, he retorted:

“I’ll TEACH you!!’.

*sigh*

Obviously, I wanted the unbearable torture to end so I clicked over to another site:

“Mooooooooooooooooooooom!!! Why is the screen all yellow?!?”

“Because I changed sites.”

It was at this point he decided to aim his bayonet directly at my heart and lunge:

“You are not good at this – I think this is not your computer.”

I almost told him he wasn’t my son either, but I think it’s already too late. Target doesn’t take returns on merchandise you’ve had for over four years……..does it?

Super Hero Priorities

Lagunatic is happy to report that we all survived the weekend.

It was Julian’s fourth birthday today and we had a big Super hero party for him yesterday.

Lots of his friends came, some even in costume (including Julian) – so cute! We held it at a Gymboree type place so there were games and music and lots of hijinx. They played Super hero music. He got to ride the Zip line. He went first in everthing. Everyone kept saying “Happy Birthday, Julian!”. At one point, he was pulled around all his friends on a dolly thingy – his cape flying heroically behind him. And then, BATMAN himself showed up!!

It. Was. INCREDIBLE. Like, any little kid’s DREAM party.

After playing, dancing, and games, all the kids sat down for a snack of pizza, ice-cream, and cake.

And then, it was over.

Two FULL hours of stimulating activity and excitement. Music and movement. Superheros and capes!

So, last night, during dinner, we asked Julian what his favourite part of the day was:

“Eating cake and ice-cream.”

He makes me so proud.

My new diet.

Lagunatic would like to share with you a “motherhood sometimes sucks ™” story:

Motherhood Sometimes Sucks ™ when you’re sitting quietly enjoying a nice yummy bowl of chocolate ice-cream and your four year old son starts screaming, “MOM! I’m DONE, I’m DONE!” from the bathroom….which means you have to go wipe his poopy bum….poop that is roughly the same consistency and colour as the ice-cream you’d been eating.

At least it wasn’t Rocky Road.

The show must go on.

Lagunatic often has identity crises over this blog.

It freaks me out, sometimes, to think that people read this stuff and think I’m a nut job.

They’re not wrong, but I always wonder what they’d do if they ever met me in REAL life.

Apparently, since I do have some real life friends who have read this blog in the past, I’m over-thinking things.

I mean, really….why DO people read other people’s blogs? To be entertained, right?

So, I’d like to announce that I’ve hereby come to peace with my internal war mongers….I shat them out, actually.

Ok, that was a little TMI, but you already know that’s how I roll.

Truthfully, it was more of a shart.

Anyway, I’ve decided to embrace my particular brand of looney and just offer things up on here with no regard as to what people may or may not think of me as a person.

I know I’m a good person. I know I’m a funny (looking) person. I know I’m a good mommy person. Fuck you if you don’t like me for being a crazy person too.

To mark this new era I’d like to share with you a poem I made up as a bored and lonely seven year old. Maybe it’ll give you some insight..maybe it’ll give you indigestion, but at least you’ll be entertained – and isn’t that really the point?

Here goes:

Silly Billy was so silly that no one called him Billy

They always called him Silly Billy

One day, one of Silly Billy’s friends said,

“Hey Billy, why are you always so silly?”

So Silly Billy stopped being so silly and eveyone called him Billy again.

Oh fuck….I just realized something. Billy’s a sheeple (!!) which is basically the antithesis of everything I said I was no longer going to be in the first part of this post

*sigh*

Around, and around, and around we go…where we’ll stop they’d better have really good fucking drugs.

Hold the Mayo.

Lagunatic decided to have a conversation with Julian today about all the changes we are making right now and how they are going to affect his and Zandi’s lives:

“Julian, you know we’re going to all have to work really hard at keeping everything nice and clean, right?”

“But, I like it when everything is messy!”

“Me too, but since we’re trying to sell this place and the other place we have to make sure they’re both clean so that when people come to see if they want to buy it they’ll be happy with the way they look. You know, after we sell this place and the other place then we’ll probably move into an apartment like this one, but in a different place for a while, right? While we build something new or find some place to live? If we build something it might take a while, right? So, are you going to be a really good helper for me and make sure everything is clean and tidy?”

“Mommy, you’re like a really good sandwich…..with lettuce…….and some hamburger.”

Ok, then…..glad to know we’re all on the same page.

Ummmmm…..IDK

Lagunatic wants to know if you ever have days when healthy food tastes better to you than junk food.

No?

Ok then, never mind.

I really don’t have much to say today, except that I opened my purse this morning to search for a $25 off Janie and Jack coupon and I was greeted by the pleasant and invigorating smell of Spearmint gum.

At least I have that going for me….which is nice.

EDIT:

I just found out that a guy I went to high school with who I once convinced to eat sand to mask the smell of alcohol on his breath while we were away on a week long school camping trip now writes a food review blog.

I feel partly responsible.

At least he’ll know how to properly identify grit.